


You're What I Reach For When I Fall

by Littlethings987



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, wayy too much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 17:37:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3578094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlethings987/pseuds/Littlethings987
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa stared at Clarke, an uncharacteristic smile on her face. "We are a perfect disaster, you and I."</p><p>or: five times Clarke and Lexa hurt each other but still managed to fall in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're What I Reach For When I Fall

**I.**

 

Clarke had known the second she arrived at the grounder's camp that peace would not come without a price. These people wanted revenge for their deaths, and she could understand that.

But the commander's words, the only chance of an alliance, shattered her.

"Deliver me the one you call Fin. Our truce begins with his death."

That was a choice Clarke could not make. She couldn't send the boy she loved to die, no matter the consequences. But he made the decision for her. Letting the grounders capture him, willing to become their sacrifice for the future of the sky people.

As she stood in front of Lexa begging for Fin's life, Clarke knew that there was no way to save him. This was the law of the earth.

So she asked for the one last option she had. And for a split second Clarke could see emotion in Lexa's eyes, an understanding.

"Can I say goodbye?"

"Yes."

She desperately wished that she could find the solution. One that did not require a knife, a life, her heart. But Fin would pay for his actions, and it was all her fault.

_Jus drein jus daun._

Clarke hugged him, wrapped her arms around tight as he was tied to the pole. Mercy was a terrible, terrible thing. A lesson that she would never forget.

Fin had been terrified, shaking in her arms. Because even though he was a murderer, he was still human. He _loved_ her. So she slid down her sleeve, and pressed the cool metal against his neck.

"You're going to be okay. You're okay."

He relaxed against her, face pressed to her neck. Clarke was saving him, the only way she could.

"Thanks, Princess."

His blood was a deep red, staining her hand. It would never wash off. As she pulled away he slumped forward, the light in his eyes gone, gone.

And it fucking hurt. The grounders around her were yelling, angry, but her ears were pounding. Clarke felt dizzy, she felt sick, she felt like a stranger as Raven's screams echoed in the canyon. Something was wrong with the way her hand shook, how Lexa spoke but she could not hear.

"It is done."

Those words were so powerful, but so few. The Commander could have stopped this, but she didn't. She let him become a tradition for her people, she let Clarke kill him. She knew.

As she looked at Lexa, Clarke's chest constricted. It was strange how she could not separated her hatred from her other thoughts, could not make her legs move, could not raise the blade and sink it into the leader's neck. All she wanted was lost, and everything that was left was an empty shell.

But still she could not say it. _I wish it had been you. It should have been you._

They finally achieved peace, and she could not ruin it. Instead she would mourn with a blank face and cracked fingers until the dead of night where she would crash like the stars in the sky.

Clarke had been wrong. This world was unsafe, and there was no more freedom here than anywhere else.

_Love is weakness._

 

**ll.**

 

It would hurtle towards the village, burning and volatile. Everyone would be killed, the blast could extend for miles, hundreds of feet. Leaving a hole in the ground that could not be seen across.

Bellamy was inside the mountain and his warning would save them. Lives taken at Tondc could be prevented.

Clarke rode, galloping through the trees, time decreasing. This was for the safety of her allies, the safety of her friends. She would make it, she would find Lexa.

"Can I speak to you in private?"

She rushed to explain how the Mountain Men were going to launch a missile, destroy the grounder army, ruin the chance of war.

"We have to evacuate."

"No. If we do, they will know we have an inside man."

Clarke opened her mouth, but no sound came out. They could not do this, they could not just run away from danger. She would not lose anymore her humanity.

"No! This is wrong!"

"It's our only choice, and you know it. You could have warned everyone up there, but you didn't. You said nothing, not even to your own people. This is war, Clarke. People die. You showed true strength today. Don't let emotions stop you now. It's time to go."

Clarke took a deep breath and followed Lexa. Because maybe it was wrong, and later she would sob into a smoky pillow of ashes but _she was not weak._

Lexa led her away, through the back of camp, hidden under a hood, a disguise.

_A mask of guilt._

Clarke closed her eyes as she followed, didn't look back. She was leaving them all behind, leaving them to die. Octavia, one of her closest friends. Lincoln, who had helped them survive. Even Kane, her former chancellor on the ark. They would be incinerated and she would survive.

A true leader would not leave her people. A leader would stay with them till the end. But Lexa was a coward, and Clarke was not ready.

They watched together as the missile struck the ground. Blackened tents and flames erupted at the explosion. _Gone_. Shrieks filled the air as Clarke watched, senses tingling and hands trembling.

She exhaled a ragged breath, resisting the tears threatening to spill. _How could she have let Lexa do this?_

The dark haired commander stepped closer to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. Clarke flinched in surprise, glancing at the taller girl's face.

"Victory stands on the back of sacrifice. You know that."

Clarke stiffened, clenching her jaw. "I want the Mountain Men dead, all of them."

Lexa blinked and dipped her head slightly. They would have revenge against the enemy. Blood must have blood.

_Jus drein jus daun._

_Jus drein jus daun_.

 

**lll.**

 

Trust.

It was a foreign concept.

Lexa had spent so many years always glancing over her shoulder, walking with a hand on her dagger, fearing. Because that's what it was. Terror to fail, to love, to live freely. She was afraid of so many things.

Then, she met Costia. The strong and beautiful grounder warrior who was wise beyond her years. The perfect choice for a second leader, a home for her heart.

Lexa let down her defenses, allowed herself to be soft, missed the dissent in the Ice Nation. Until it was too late.

_Love is weakness._

They captured her in the high sunlight of midday, walking through the forest unprotected. Costia had always been so stubborn, insisting that she didn't need guards. She was brave. _Not brave enough._

The Tree Clan were trained to never reveal secrets to enemies. Lexa knew that, her people were safe, her plans were safe. And she was dangerous. Ready to risk her life, murder hundreds to find her love, fix this mess. She was unstable, she was lost.

_Love is weakness._

They tortured Costia. Made sure she was aware of it, cut off her head once they were done. The Commander had never wanted blood on her hands as much as those few weeks after her death.

But there was no point. Lexa's heart had been ripped in two, and mended itself in time. She had to move on, be the leader in the upcoming war.

She needed to forget, leave the emotions behind, become the cold and calculating fighter she once was.

_Weakness is intolerable._

But something about Clarke was different. The sky princess was gentle and caring and passionate. She trusted her feelings, her protective nature for her friends. And that made her a natural-born leader.

Lexa had honestly tried to fight the burgeoning warmth she had for the blond girl. Clarke was an enemy, she was a stranger, she was an ally. But phrases carelessly tossed around were like knives, and moments of peace were fleeing. Lexa needed to explain, to tell the truth before they attacked the Mountain, before they risked their lives. She needed to let her emotions out again, for Clarke.

However, she summoned the leader of the sky people for closure, that was all. The sudden burst of joy Lexa felt when she entered the tent was irrelevant.

"You sent for me?" Lexa swallowed, staring at her stoically.

"I do trust you, Clarke." Her face softened slightly and she stepping closer to the Commander.

"I know how hard that is for you."

"You think our ways are harsh, but that's how we survive."Lexa was now fully facing Clarke, studying her.

"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?"

Lexa gazed deeply into the imploring chocolate globes watching her. She held her breath, not allowing herself any time to think about her next decision.

"Maybe we do."

Lexa leaned forward, pressing her lips against Clarke's. She tasted like dust and hard work, but beneath that was the sweetness of berries on a spring day. Her mouth was soft and moved against the grounder's as she closed her eyes.

Clarke slowly shifted backwards, wincing. Lexa froze and immediately hid the sadness washing over her. She had made a mistake.

"I'm not ready for a relationship."

Lexa nodded slightly, understanding. It was her fault, she had killing the boy that Clarke loved. Now she would have to live with that decision forever. It had been idiotic to even consider the possibility that the sky princess cared for her in the same manner.

"Not yet."

 

**lV.**

 

The night was a dark infinity, seconds stretching into hours as the warriors prepared for battle. Shadows stretching through the crackling branches were the only signs of life as Clarke gazed down into the forest, standing atop a sloping hill.

The inked blackness would hide the battle armor and weapons until first light. Then, they would attack, following the battle plans already made. There was no room for error. If Bellamy failed, or if Raven could not disable the door, everyone would die. _That_ **_would_** **_not_** _happen_.

Clarke truly did not know what she would do after this moment, this fight. What she had told Lexa, all she wanted was her friends back, was only half of her real feelings.

She was overwhelmed. Life had never been simple on the Ark, or when the hundred first arrived on the earth. Always struggling to survive, to see the next sunrise, was exhausting. But the enemy had been out in the open, not hidden in a mountain. They had a chance of winning. Now, even with the grounders, there would be many loses.

But Clarke could not afford to think like that now.

Maybe she would go to Polis with Lexa in the months to come. After her people had time to heal and rest, but eventually.

Lexa had said that, "the city will change how you think about us." But there was no need for that. Everything that she had learned about the Commander, about the grounder traditions, continued to amaze her. They were different, but they still had the same hopes and dreams.

Clarke was startled out of her thoughts as the warriors, her warriors, shifted into positions. It was almost the time, they were ready. She breathed deeply before shouting;

"Attack!"

The lines behind her surged forward, before almost immediately being halted by an approaching voice. "Stand down!" Lexa walked over to her, face streaked with ash and blood.

"What is this?"

The dark haired leader didn't respond, only turned to stare at the mountain as yells echoed behind them. Clarke watched as grounders were let out of their underground prison, head spinning and eyes burning.

"What did you do?!"

Lexa didn't flinch at the accusation. "What you would've done. Saved my people."

"And my people?"

"I'm sorry, Clarke, they weren't part of the deal." The Commander's facade wavered as she clenched her jaw in hatred for the men who forced her to make this decision. It was wrong, but she couldn't let any more of her people get hurt, not after the missile. _No more._

Lincoln approached, and Clarke didn't, couldn't heard what she said to him. The only thing she could focus on was Lexa's face, now streaked with guilt and sorrow. She had chosen this with her head, not her heart. Her heart would kill innocents for the sky girl. But it was too late.

"Please don't do this."

"I'm sorry, Clarke." She stepped back, into the shadows of the forest, where her army slowly backed away. _Sound the alarms. Retreat._ Regret washed over her for what might have been, but she pushed it away.

"May we meet again."

 

**V.**

 

Clarke had always wanted to believe in miracles. On the Ark, that idea had been impossible. After her father died, after she was imprisoned, the world had seemed worthless. But her drawings of the earth, they had given her hope.

And that hope, it was incredible thing. It could take wings and fly, over mountains and valleys, through the cerulean sky.

Clarke had almost lost hope when she watched Lexa walk away from her, from _them_. But she still had Octavia and Bellamy, and her people were still in grave danger. They fought their way in, all guns and desperate determination. She didn't feel horrible about killing Dante, it was the only way to hurt Cage. (but something deep inside her still twisted and shattered as she pulled the trigger)

Clarke hated what they had become. _What she had become._ Cold and hard, struggling to make the right (wrong) choices. She murdered them all, all of the Mountain Men.

She pulled the lever.

She watched them fall to the floor, gasping, as radiation entered their lungs.

And for a second she wished that she could take their place, sacrifice herself for the children with tears running down down their faces and parents holding them tight. Later on, she went to her mom, so close to breaking down, seeking forgiveness.

"I tried.. I tried to be the good guy."

"Maybe there are no good guys."

Those words hurt, but Clarke heard the truth in them. In a world like this, there was little difference between good and evil, black and white. Everything was in shades of gray. _Stormy like the clouds over her head, about to rain in mourning._

That was when she realized that she couldn't go back to Camp Jaha. Nothing would be the same, she couldn't pretend to smile and move on. Bellamy already knew, he just offered her a hug as she approached him. He pulled her close, silently telling her to stay safe and come back when she was ready, before pressing a light kiss to her forehead.

She didn't look back. There was no reason to anymore.

Many places were left unexplored when the hundred first arrived on the ground. Now she wandered aimlessly, mind filled with the screams of terror from people who could have been her friends, if she had been born here instead of in the sky.

Surprisingly, Octavia was the first of her friends to find her. Clarke sat, carving images of flowers and wildlife into the bark of a tree, when she heard the light tap of footsteps.

"You know, that could be seen by some as marking territory that's not yours."

She laughed, the first real laugh in a long time, and turned to face the familiar brown haired girl. Who has braids and paint on her face, and was quite obviously, a grounder again.

"I don't think that my squirrel art is going to start a war."

Octavia shrugged before pulling her into a tight hug. "I missed you, Clarke." She hesitated before suggesting, "You should come to Tondc with me, for a bit."

Clarke was about to refuse when her best friend added a quiet, "please?" She exhaled slowly before nodding, unable to resist the pleading tone in her voice. Besides, she wanted to see Lincoln and thank Indra for helping them fight anyways. Octavia beamed and grabbed her hand, pulling her through the dappled patches of sunlight made by leaves and branches above.

The first thing Clarke noticed when she entered the village was the inordinate number of guards. She frowned until she recognized some faces, and her heart sparked in pain.

"Lexa is here?!"

She glared at Octavia, who looked just as surprised as she felt. But before she could say more, golden hair flashed in the corner of her eye, and she involuntarily spun around.

The Commander was standing just feet away, biting her lip and looking unusually nervous. Without thinking, Clarke stalked forward and grabbed her arm, yanking her into the nearest tent. The children inside quickly darted away after seeing the furious look on her face.

"How could you do that to us? You left us to die!" She shouted at Lexa, unable to control the pent up anger. "

I'm sorry Clarke - "

 _Slap_. The shorter girl raised her arm, and hit her across the cheek, eyes blazing. "I don't want to hear you damn apologies, Lexa! You betrayed us." _You betrayed me._

Her unspoken words floated in between them like a chasm. Slowly, the grounder placed a careful hand on her shoulder.

"I know. I'm sorry, Clarke."

Lexa pulled her closer, pressing their bodies together. She leaned down, seeking permission before Clarke reached to push their lips together roughly. And she finally relaxed, because together they made sense.

Maybe it was wrong, she could have been killed because of the beautiful warrior, but she wanted this feeling forever. Of being safe and warm, to love and be loved.

_They were a perfect disaster, but she was in the eye of the hurricane._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so I hope you guys like this! Please comment and stuff.


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